Fear Faced My Father

 

It was happening again, the familiar dreaded fear that would come upon me. I was overpowered by fear, so much that even my body was subject to it as reality; my nervous system began to respond in over-drive; crying, anxiety, heart-pounding, stomach-upset. I’d been here before, countless times in fact, feeling powerless to stop it. 

 

The thoughts began like little mosquitos, more annoying than anything else, but persistent. They continually tried to get in and settle on my mind as if they were real, and once they did, I began to believe what they were saying. At first, I barely noticed that they were there, and I let them in. Soon, those little mosquitos turned into pterodactyls and terrorized my mind. It wouldn’t be long before an ambush of thoughts came, all the what if questions, all the fear.

 

Looking back on the times I went through this, it’s clear to me now that I was trying to control outcomes of certain situations because I was afraid. Fear and past experiences had taught me to be this way, especially during those moments that involved vulnerability. During those times I’d have many fearful thoughts, and each one had to come under my examination over and over again with no end, my mind would not have rest.

 

If you can’t imagine what that’s like, just imagine feeling like there’s no way out, there’s no hope, you’ll be stuck like this forever, doomed to repeat the same pattern over again, never finding peace, freedom, or love. For many years, that was my story, single and afraid.

 

But something unexpected happened. Something inside me had already began to change in the quiet mornings I spent with God during that prior year. Over time, he’d been building me up, sewing love, strength, and trust into my heart. When the fear came again, there was a momentary helplessness, but there was something else too. A new kind of determination was there. When this fear presented itself again, it faced a different person, a changed person, fear faced my father. He was there, in my heart, a roaring lion, he began to rise up in me and all at once, that power he was building inside of me was ignited, like a fire.

 

Slowly the fire began to grow. When I couldn’t bear the weight, I went to God. In the mornings before work and in the evenings, I cried out to him. In complete honesty, I shared every thought, every detail, every fear with him. The more honest I was, the more he stood up in me and the louder he became. Through my tears and exhaustion, I began to speak verses insistently and applied them directly to my life, to the current situation. I made a list of songs and verses that I could hang onto when those fears would try to rise up. I sang songs about surrender, laying my burdens down, standing up against fear, songs about his plans for me.

 

Based on Jeremiah 29:11, I’d say “This situation is not the plan you have for my life; your word says that you know the plans that you have for my life, that they are good and not evil. I do not receive these evil thoughts but I receive the goodness you have for me.”

 

Based on Romans 10:13, I’d say “Father your word says that whoever calls on the name of the Lord will be saved, I am calling on you, I have surrendered this thing to you and I believe that you have already saved me and I thank you for saving me.”

 

Based on Psalm 3:3, I’d say “Lord you are my shield, my glory, and the lifter of my head. When I am afraid, I can come to you and you will help me to rise up in victory, you lift my head when I am weak or sad and I thank you so much for being one I can continually come to.”

 

Based on 2 Corinthians 3:17 and John 8:32, I’d say “Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom, and your truth has lit up the dark places of my life and has set me free.”

 

The truth was making me free. Through the help of the Holy Spirit, I learned things about my family, things that happened in my past, and learned that I believed many lies. I began to understand the why, that anytime a courting relationship presented itself, fear and anxiety came too. I believed the lie that love, and vulnerability meant that I would be treated badly. I believed that I wouldn’t be able to stand up for myself. I felt as if I was too powerless to make good decisions in relationships and reacted to this fear just as I’d reacted when I was a child. These lies had dug deep roots into my mind, they’d been there a long time and were so settled, that it felt almost impossible to uproot them.

 

God’s word gave me the strength to fight. I could see a new way, a new belief, a new possibility, a new truth. As the thoughts came in, I told God what was happening. I said God, I’m having this thought (confession), it’s not mine, I do not want it, I do not agree with it (renounce), Papa I’m sorry for allowing this thought in to control my mind, please forgive me for allowing it (repentance), I surrender all my thoughts to you and ask that you take them (casting your cares on him/surrender).

 

Victory came when I “saw” the mosquitos coming and batted them away easily by confessing them to God. By believing that he would do what he said in his word and speaking his word to each situation, I was free. Going forward, anytime I discovered a root that contributed to these fears or thoughts, I spoke to them with bible verses that proved those thoughts were lies, and freedom came. My heart opened up and I knew I’d be okay; I knew this fear pattern was over and that I’d be able to make good decisions about relationships.

 

Through the father’s love, through the truth of his word that I was speaking in those verses and singing in those songs, he brought peace to my mind, and delivered me from my fears. As I started bringing it all before the throne, those lies, those thoughts lost all power. I became strong because of Christ, in me, because of knowing who I was and who’s I was. A child of the most-high. I learned that I could apply this strategy to any situation in my life that needed change and healing.

 

Many truths came alive to me during this time that helped me gain freedom. I was able to “see” that there were other lies that I had been believing that needed to be broken off of my life. I’m not sure why I didn’t notice them before because they seem so obvious now. I could see that in the past, I was looking at many things concerning God and what the bible said through a lens of condemnation rather than a lens of love. When I read a verse, many times, all I heard was how bad I was, how condemned I was, how I’d never be enough, how I always failed to meet the mark. Even though I “knew” that wasn’t what the bible was telling me fundamentally, somehow, it filtered through my mind like that. My filter was broken, my thought translator was broken, my heart was broken. This is a strong tactic of the enemy, an enemy who wants us to experience God through condemnation and be silent in our suffering. It is the enemy that wants you to remain chained in your mind through fear, doubt, shame and guilt. God sent his son to make a way for you to be free and he provided examples of such freedom in the bible, and examples of life’s trials, so that we would have truths to lean on that will help us through this journey.

 

John 14:6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”

 

Romans 10:9 If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.

 

Believe, that in Jesus and through the sacrifice of his death, you have access to the father. Come and be healed and be freed. Make the fear in your life face your father.

Additional verses I read during this trial: Hebrews 4:16, 1 John 4:4, 2 Timothy 1:7, 2 Corinthians 10:5b, Colossians 1:27, Hebrews 4:12, Romans 3:4, Ephesians 3:17-19

 

Songs I listened to and sang during this trial: Good Plans, Red Rocks Worship; Prophesy Your Promise, Bryan and Katie Torwalt; I Will Not Fear, Yeka Onka; Lay It All Down, United Pursuit; Graves Into Gardens, Brandon Lake; Yabo da Sujada, Jakes Hinjari; No One Like The Lord, Eniola Abioye; Design, Eniola Abioye; O Come To The Altar, Elevation Worship